American Dreams

Nashville Airport, Tenessee, US

I put down my book in anger. I couldn’t focus. My head was full of thoughts, thougths that I didn’t asked for. I wanted just to close my eyes and rest. But I had only few dollars in my pocket, I was waiting for a flight that would take me to the city where I had to spend the night. Not knowing where. My stomach was on water. I wanted to smoke, but there was not a single smoking corner at the airport. I would give up and sleep if I could, but I couldn’t. My mind was awake. Thinking of all the mistakes I have done, and all the missteps that I still have to pay for.

There is something about these long times at the airport. And all these people who try to fill the time at least a little meaningfully before they get finally home. But I wasn’t going home, I was going for another trip. I said to my friend a couple of hours ago that we will meet on a different continent, in a different country. We had plans. I had plans. Different plans. Everyone had plans. I wanted so much just to go, and get lost in the city. Stay on the road without worrying about anything. And if I didn’t have work to do, I would use my credit at the airlines, and just ask them to get me anywhere. Just anywhere. I would jump on a train as the two hobbos I met earlier this weak. I would probably remember to my last day what he said, and how it felt—`Not going anywhere if I have no whiskey’. I bought one for them, they gave me money. They didn’t have an ID, and the law was strict. I imagined for a while where could they be. In this hot southern air, riding a freight train with few little drops of cheep whiskey left. I guess they were searching for the meaning of life. As was I. In between this high-class high priviledged life of a scientist. And, at the same time student with only a few bucks in his pocket aching for adventure. Meeting crazy people who would say: `Come with us! Only now you can live your life to the fullest.’

Torn in between my dreams. Stability, or freedom. Chaos, and bravery. I was never brave, but I knew that I can sleep in a forest outside, under a tree. Still I was afraid of discomfort. Once you learn how easy can everything be, if there are people around, you start to dislike discomfort. Loneliness and discomfort go hand in hand. And I really do love loneliness, don’t I?

And I think I need this. I need to realise how is it to live without money, without knowing that you will have a roof over your head. I think I called this upon myself. It is wierd, but I did. The questions remain the same. Do I want to run and seek an adventure, or the freedom to be payed for doing what I like? Is it all worth the fight?

O cestě a strachu

Nasrat!
A sednout si nad prázdnej papír
snaže se přetavit ty abstraktní pičoviny ve slova
a jediný co z toho leze
jsou hvězdy, sedmikrásky a upíři při úplňku
Dřív ten papír zežloutne ze slunce a zhnědne z whisky
—a to jsem měl pocit že mám lidem co říct
Asi jako když se ti zdá sen o dlouhé cestě
fakt dlouhé
a stalo se na ní spoustu věcí
ale nemůžeš si na žádnou vzpomenout

Ale pomatuju si
Jeli jsme autem po poušti
a ona řídila
já nebyl ani spolucestující stopař, nebo stín
A možná jsem ji chtěl milovat,
možná jen pomilovat
Asi bych to měl vědět
—neudělal jsem ani jedno
jen vystoupil, objal ji
dal ji pusu – ani se nebránila
moc

Pak jsem se probudil
pomatuje si jen tu rychlost ubíhajícího písku
a něco, co musím sdělit světu

Domů mě odnesli svišti
—v těch chundelatých kůžích se tak krásně spí
a havrani za svistotu jejich křídel
kolem skal
a celou dobu se bránit strachu
že mi rozbijou lebku o skálu
nebo mě jen tak pustí
a já spadnu, poletím
a utopím se v tom jezeře pod náma

Probudit se v potu
konečně vědět že princové neexistují
Jen nasednout na toho ocelověho oře
a probudit se v pohádkové říši
Slyším ji jako by stála tady vedle mne
a šeptala mi do ucha
`– A princezny jo?’
Vím co bych měl odpovědět
ale když ony možná jsou

Vlahé večery
—skoro jak v létě
slibují
Tak jdu kam mě srdce táhne
po cestách, blátě, loukách a kamení
nahoru na horu
abych tam našel jen sníh a skály
nádherné majestátní, panensky svůdné
skály
a sníh
spousty sněhu a ledu

Poslední peníze utratit za cestu domů
—Ein mal nach Prag und ein Bier, bitte

A marně se snažit přeložit vlastní verše
—Fuck that!
—And fill a blank paper with all that abstract boolshit.

A Castle

I was standing at the gates of a huge castle. All I could see was a long wall built from huge stones. Some of them were twice as large as I was, and the wall was so high that I was not sure whether I can see the top or it continues behind the edge. In front of the gate, there were several stairs, wide and low. I never turned around, and I didn’t know what’s behind me. I stepped up two steps, then a knight in an armor appeared. Or, was he there all the time? The metal of his armor was all black. I didn’t want to guess what made it that color. I was scared to start thinking about that. I made one more step forward, and he asked, `Are you sure you want to come in?’

I looked at him, and remained silent.

`You know that there is no coming back. I will let you in, but you will get lost in the walls and never even reach the place you are looking for.’

I would be scared, but there was no other way for me. I know that if I want to find what am I looking for, I have to come in.

As I approached, the gate opened. I entered a small courtyard, well it was small compared to everything else I have seen so far. The courtyard was surrounded by columns and more walls. There were some alleys coming from it. I chose one at random. And there I was, walking in a huge labyrinth of walls, grassy alleys, courtyards, stairs, more walls. Most of my way was concealed by mist. No one was there, it even didn’t look like anybody was ever there. I walked and walked. Sometimes I could see through the mist, but all I could see was more walls, more castles, more grass.

Then, as I entered another small courtyard, I saw a person. A girl, with golden-red shining hair. She was small, she almost shivered, but she didn’t. I did. She looked like she could disappear any moment, but she belonged to this place more then I did. I knew, she could show me the way. I also knew that she didn’t know that, and she didn’t know how.

Yes, I was looking for her. But she was probably just a hint, just another step further. I didn’t feel found. She might had been lost the same way I was. We looked to each others eyes, and we talked without talking. Then I said, `I think I might love you.’ I tried to kiss her. Still, I wasn’t sure of anything.

And, that was the point I woke up. Puzzled.